what not to do for a living

i am very antisocial. but the irony is that i bartend. i have bartended as a supplemental job for the past 5 or 6 months. i'm not a great bartender, as i work at a beer and shots type of establishment. lots of NASCAR paraphernalia on the walls. regulars that are the non-sloppy, but nonetheless seedy type of characters. the owner drinks heavily; first bud cans, then vodka, and, on an especially wet day, bombay saphire. he only hires female barmaids.

so this is my last time on the schedule at this bar, and i couldn't be happier. now, when i'm there, it's not so bad, i think. i enjoy cleaning, and the place is never too busy, so i wipe down everything and anything to fill the silences or repulsive stares. i'll talk to the customers, some of them are actually friendly. i suppose i've met the kind of people i'd have never met elsewhere, but i'm not sure if i'm better for the experience.

i think i just know that this is something that i'll never want to do.

the idea that men are staring at my cleavage, or just my curves if i'm not wearing a revealing top. or that they're constantly hitting on you just because you have to remain near them. it's terrible. i had a casual boyfriend that would jokingly equate it to prostitution, and i would get angry as he chuckled. and i think i was annoyed because there was truth to his analogy. they're giving me money, tips, for the opportunity to daydream, stare, and chat. and i let them. of course, to not let them would mean to be a horrible bartender and kick most of the customers out. they're not all like that, but there are enough that are to make it a burden.

i suppose, like anything in life, this is an experience. but there are some that just may make you worse for the time spent. i feel dirty. i feel weak and powerless, a traitor to my sex.

but i'll get dressed in an hour and put on my makeup and go through the charade until 4 in the morning, and not really think too much about what i'm doing or what i've done. maybe i'm too sensitive, maybe it's not a big deal.

but at times, i enjoy the attention.