2005

god.

gross.

i feel quite pathetic. not really in a gross-you-kinda-suck-chica way, but rather that i'm realizing that i would probably feel sorry for someone like myself if i heard of her through a mutual friend or chatty aunt.

(in high-school-senior fashion) this blog is about how i feel yuck-o and how i hope i will feel better in the new year. i will now tell you why i feel that i kinda suck.

1. i think i now fear things that never EVER intimidated me before.

2. i get moody and listen to songs on repeat. for extended periods of time.(like that time i was on the phone with that dude in highschool i went to the junior prom with...ah, and he was a rockstar in the highschool band..."umm...do you have that song on repeat or something?" "uh, well, umm...no?")

3. i depend upon my mother. well, i always have, but now i get terrified when i think of my world without her. like if she became ill or something. it's a horribly sad thought. seriously. and why the fuck am i even thinking about that?

4. i have a huge bed and sleep on the very edge of it. with my dog.

5. i love to write. i used to write poetry. now i just do this. only this.

6. i think of college as if it were the setting for my Golden Years. i feel depressed about that. i feel sorry for myself. but not enough to do something about it.

7. i yearn. constantly. without discresion.

8. i'm an English teacher and i'm pretty sure i just spelled "discresion" incorrectly. and last night, my best friend corrected me when i said "fast" instead of "quickly." she then proceeded to tell me why i was wrong. but i knew. i just said nothing.

9. i still think of an ex. a relationship that ended several years ago. i feel like he's won. and i think i'm a jealous person.

10. i can't plan. i value material things. i'm horrible with money. i don't floss. and i still think that love is the most meaningful, powerful, completely fucking essential thing on the planet.

My simple slant
This broken chant
My human fate
My revelate
Are you so far from me this day
That you can't say my revelate

My open arms
My lucky charms
My number eight
My revelate
I fucked it up
I rest my case
Cause it's all to grey
My revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time I'm making my own now
Does this mean we're through
Does this mean it's gone
I spent a day just to ponder the words
That I would write to you this day
But it's all too great, my revelate

Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes it's all too hard to take
Sometimes I need a revelation
This time it's up in arms

This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's all too much to take
This time I need you revelation
Sometimes it's easy just to hate you
Sometimes I need a revelation
Sometimes I,sometimes I,

Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself
Redeem yourself