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Monday, February 07, 2005

Where does this lack of tenderness come from?

my shoe broke today while i was at work. it was about one minute before the dismissal bell rang, so it wasn't too big of a deal. but still. i thought that only happened in movies. i was wrong. it happens in real life too.

i was leaning on the heel when it snapped off. there were people in the room with me but no one noticed. the heel was still semi-attached so i just pretended my shoe had not just broken nearly sending me to the floor.

in the confines of my room, i pulled it off and exposed the five or six nails that hold a heel in place. it was more than i'd expect would be necessary. but what do i know? i'm not a shoesmith.

as i was saying goodbye, i showed everyone my broken heel, explaining my shock that such a thing actually happens in real life. then i made a joke about having exceeded the weight capacity. i didn't need to say that.

earlier in the day i had to go to payroll to pick up some forms. the lady at the front desk wasn't very pleasant. she wasn't exactly rude, but her demeanor was not inviting as i expected it should be. so i made smartass remarks to her. i made exactly two smartass remarks. she didn't flinch but her coworkers smiled to break the tension. i'm not sure why i was so agressive. she didn't owe me anything. not everything needs to be a battle.

i have a student with an alcoholic father. he came to our open house about a month after school started. he was obviously intoxicated and made several comments about how cute his daughter's teacher was in front of both her and myself. i've tried to nurture her with kindness ever since that night. today i had a lapse. she approached me suddenly. i was looking something up on and it was the first time i'd seen her since the previous school week.

are you in a better mood yet, miss?

she'd never been rude before. i was instantly annoyed, angry, feeling superior. i had no idea what she was referring to. apparently i'd misjudged our relationship. apparently she didn't appreciate what i'd done for her. i didn't think of her father. i didn't think of the fights, the problems, the losses, the necessity to be much older than she should. i gave her a dirty look and ignored the comment. then later, she made a foolish assertion and i informed her as such. i didn't need to do that either. i'm sure things are altered now. that's completely my fault. i won't apologize either.


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