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Tuesday, August 31, 2004

love, mutually

i just watched this movie for the second time in two days. nice romantic comedy with enough artsy accessories to make it less embarrassing to discuss. and so the first time i watched it was with my mom, and the second was with my friend, Teresa. i think i took the same sensation from both viewings: jealousy. of course, with my mom, we laughed it off and assured each other that we'd greet each other at the airport just like those happy pepole in the movie. Teresa and i just smirked at Hugh Grant and then became cynics once the credits rolled.

"well, people make movies based on real experiences, so things like that really must happen."

this was the logic of my friend. and she's going to medical school.

i mean, she's right, to an extent. i want that sappy, cliched romance that everyone gags over, yet secretly warms to. that instant *click* may be nothing more than "holy fuck. he's hot." but as long as he feels the same, as long as you have that mutual attraction, you're sailing! that's the only missing link, you know. that essential and undeniable piece to that gajillion-piece puzzle. and force and peel at the corners of the cardboard shapes as we may, in the end, we look foolish for having forced it like a child in the first place.

so why is this something i'm jealous over?

i have found that my world essentially revolves around having this proverbial requited love. the shit in the damn movies. the shit that has made this post so sticky-sweet that no one will dare pass the second paragraph.

i have tried to occupy myself; get a new hobby, immerse myself in my job (or two), write more...but in the end, i actually see them as a means to my end. maybe i'll meet a skydiver that will realize just how kickass i am. maybe i won't meet a massive tool if i look around at work. maybe i'll write this yearning out of my system and wake up cured!

maybe not.

a few months ago, a married man/friend/co-worker, told me he had feelings for me. we were friends. still are. now we're friends that know a secret. and that secret is minor because it's not tangible and it hasn't (nor will it be) actualized. still, i can't seem to get it off my mind, even after two entire months of separation. it's not love. it's not that sweep-me-off-my-feet-until-i-sweat-sugar kind of thing.

our friendship is like watching a romantic comedy and feeling that smile followed by a subtle anxiety. and then you leave the theater and go home. you have helped each other exist; sociologists would have a name for the type of relationship that is, but for me, it's just mutual.


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