amazing grace, tide me over

i need a laugh.

i laugh a lot because i'm easily amused, but i've noticed recently that i may have dug a grave with that. it's no longer arousing. those times that i do laugh loudly, i notice. and i think, wow, i'm really happy at this moment. and the shock dissipates. i haven't cried in a while; maybe that's why.

the past few years have been a stretch of time that felt like a wasted saturday afternoon. i need to wise up. i'm just realizing now that i think i've been raised to behave and feel and think incorrectly. life is dangerous and daunting and unpredictable and i love it. the thrills of blue sky and warm kisses and cool drives are enough, in spurts. all i have are spurts. small doses to tide me over. for what, i don't know.

there was a woman in the bookstore today. we were both browsing the bargain racks and she was to my left. i noticed her not because she was dressed to climb the shawangunks, her silver hair stark against her black breathable attire and red sport sandles,but because she was humming. very beautifully, humming amazing grace. and she was looking at a book, fingering the pages, like it was an encyclopedia. it may have been. i desperately wanted to know what she was searching for.