grey hair

so, i know i'll go grey (yes, i spell it that way because i think it's more fitting). or, white, rather. until then, i deny, resist. but i will have the occassional sighting. and of course i cringe and yank it out. then hold the little hair, plucked so rigorously that the sticky root is still clinging to its base. and i stare at it. i'm not sure why i do this. but i do. i stare at it, feel the texture, look at it against a dark surface to see just how brightly white it is, then drop it wherever.

today i found two of them.

and then i got home and found out my father had been laid off. he was three years away from retirement. i had to watch him cry and could merely console him with my insignificant hugs. my arms feeling so small that i couldn't quite wrap them around him, i squeezed tightly.

we ate dinner, all four of us, as a family tonight. it was somber, broken by my childish attempts at humor. i belched. i made my mashed potatoes talk like the trash heap from Fraggle Rock. my dad would smile, my brother smirk, and my mom giggle. then the laughter would fade to wet eyes and sighing.

i wonder how old i'll be when my head is grey like my fathers. and i wonder what it will take for my children--the ones i'll have to gather 'round the table, hoping that there will be at least burps to endure-- to notice its abrupt change in color.