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Tuesday, January 04, 2005

the shitter

Originally uploaded by i_bruise_easily.
i once had this friend of a friend. he was big into telling jokes. at one gathering he proclaimed that if we gave him a category, any category!, he'd be able to tell us a joke. i was completely impressed by this because i can't tell a single joke. except maybe the chicken one. or the one about those three dudes walking into a bar. an actual metal bar.

get it?

i think of him now because i have so many different stories to choose from. all are really short and won't evoke much more than a grin. or a grimmace.

i guess i'll tell you about how my best friend unearthed an embezzlement scam in her company today. and how i spent the rest of the day convincing her that she's now being tracked by the mafia.

her theory is that it's the guy from her office that is constantly taking a shit and making business calls simultaneously. directly across from her desk. we discussed him at length one day. we wonder if the people he's talking to can hear the echo of the bathroom walls. or the constant hum of the fan. we're befuddled and fully disguested by this man and his seedy ways (yes, there were lots of bad puns that day).

when i relayed this story and the shitter theory to my friend at work, she replied not about the unfolding Grishomesque scenario, but about the propensity for offices to have an established crapper. i thought about it for a moment. (what can i say? i found it to be an interesting suggestion.) we do have one--our office, that is. and everyone in our building knows. everybody knows. certainly if i were to do a little test and simply refer to this man as "the shitter" rather than by his first/last name, i'm sure the response would be something like, "oh, haha! you mean so-and-so?"

some people must just rather shit at work. however, i'm certain that an even smaller percentage do so while conducting standard business activity. in fact, i would probably consider them to be a rareity amongst our species. maybe almost on the level of myth. the Last Unicorn, if you will. again, if i were do do some research, i might want to make a pretty picture of my findings. and i believe the breakdown would look something like the pie chart above.

and i think i've been extremely generous with the red. i bet an even smaller sliver steal money from their company. while taking a shit.


At 1/05/2005 12:50:00 AM, Blogger Jehza said...

Mhm. See, where I teach we have unisex bathrooms. Yes, unisex. And usually I'm not shy about being the...hmm...auxillary or backup shitter, but at this place it's kind of hard. I mean, I could put the deadbolt in place and hope that I'm not keeping anybody out who's really in need. That tends to make me feel bad though. One time, I really needed to dump the payload before going to coach the running squad. So I went in, chickened out on the deadbolt issue, decided to just hurry while the bathroom was free. Not a second had passed after I sat down when the principal came in to sit next to me in the other stall and piss. Talk about weird. When I see her I still think, "I hope she's not remembering my stanky ass when she looks at me."

At 1/05/2005 01:21:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

coming from the afore mentioned friend who endures the notorious shitter at work, i truly hope there are very few who can say they feel my pain. to me shitting is such a personal experience that it should be entirely contained within the confines of one's own bathroom at home. i understand emergencies, sometimes the body will have it's way no matter what, but on a regular basis? come on now. and to add insult to injury, the phone calls taking place from the bathroom are just the most horrible way of forcing someone else to acknowlege that you are in fact shitting. innocent people should at least be able to escape the physicality of other people shitting, it's just fucking curteous.


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