the shitter

pie_165CE533
Originally uploaded by i_bruise_easily.

i once had this friend of a friend. he was big into telling jokes. at one gathering he proclaimed that if we gave him a category, any category!, he'd be able to tell us a joke. i was completely impressed by this because i can't tell a single joke. except maybe the chicken one. or the one about those three dudes walking into a bar. an actual metal bar.

get it?

i think of him now because i have so many different stories to choose from. all are really short and won't evoke much more than a grin. or a grimmace.

i guess i'll tell you about how my best friend unearthed an embezzlement scam in her company today. and how i spent the rest of the day convincing her that she's now being tracked by the mafia.

her theory is that it's the guy from her office that is constantly taking a shit and making business calls simultaneously. directly across from her desk. we discussed him at length one day. we wonder if the people he's talking to can hear the echo of the bathroom walls. or the constant hum of the fan. we're befuddled and fully disguested by this man and his seedy ways (yes, there were lots of bad puns that day).

when i relayed this story and the shitter theory to my friend at work, she replied not about the unfolding Grishomesque scenario, but about the propensity for offices to have an established crapper. i thought about it for a moment. (what can i say? i found it to be an interesting suggestion.) we do have one--our office, that is. and everyone in our building knows. everybody knows. certainly if i were to do a little test and simply refer to this man as "the shitter" rather than by his first/last name, i'm sure the response would be something like, "oh, haha! you mean so-and-so?"

some people must just rather shit at work. however, i'm certain that an even smaller percentage do so while conducting standard business activity. in fact, i would probably consider them to be a rareity amongst our species. maybe almost on the level of myth. the Last Unicorn, if you will. again, if i were do do some research, i might want to make a pretty picture of my findings. and i believe the breakdown would look something like the pie chart above.

and i think i've been extremely generous with the red. i bet an even smaller sliver steal money from their company. while taking a shit.