point and laugh at me

ok, that's enough.

now that the pointing and laughing is out of the way, let me share some information that will lead to more pointing and laughing.

let's say it was curiosity, namely because it's valid. this curiosity led me to fill out one of those profiles on eHarmony.com--yeah, the dating thing.



i actually started it on friday at work. ha. it turns out that this thing takes, no joke, at least half an hour to complete. so i saved it and packed up for the weekend thinking i'd pick up where i'd left off at a later time, preferrably while i should be doing something like grading or attending Palm Pilot training.

but i got an email this morning from the friendly founder. a reminder to fnish my questionnaire. ok, i'll admit that i've nothing better to do and that i'm still in my PJs with mascara smeared on my face from the night before. why NOT fill out an online dating service form?

so for the past 30 minutes, i've been checking off boxes on a scale of 1-7, ranging from "not at all" to "somewhat" to "very much" on topics from parental relationships to personal qualities. after the first few pages, most of the qualifiers and questions seemed nearly identical. but i scratched the mascara from my eyepit and kept clicking away.

SEVEN YEARS LATER...

i'm finally done with this goddamn thing...
they're about to show me some matches....
i'm excited to look at new faces for the next few moments...

i enter in all my personal information with a fleeting concern that someone from work will figure out my identity from this profile i've just created, and click on the button:


eHarmony is based upon a complex matching system developed through extensive research with married couples. One of the requirements for successful matching is that participants to fall within certain defined profiles. If we find that we will not be able to match a user using these profiles, we feel it is only fair to inform them early in the process.

We are so convinced of the importance of creating compatible matches to help people establish happy, lasting relationships that we sometimes choose not to provide service rather than risk an uncertain match.

Unfortunately, we are not able to make our profiles work for you. Our matching model could not accurately predict with whom you would be best matched. This occurs for about 20% of potential users, so 1 in 5 people simply will not benefit from our service. We hope that you understand, and we regret our inability to provide service for you at this time.

You can still receive your free Personality Profile by clicking here.

uhh? excuse me? i'm unMATCHable?!

so, i'm actually stunned for a moment. shocked. then i'm amused. go ahead--picture it: the black cotton PJ pants that are covered with my dog's hair, the t-shirt i wore out to the bar last night, sans push-up bra, the mussed hair. who wouldn't want that!?

had i misunderstood some of the questions? oh wait...i'm wondering if all those times i rated the necessity of my partner to be "very sexually attractive" may have damned my prospects.

fine. these fuckers. so i'll check out the Peronsality Profile. i better get something for this entirely voluntary time wasting.

the "overview" is not exactly on point, so i'll spare myself the humiliation of those inaccuracies. instead, let's move on to my "needs." this should be good.


In general, human beings are defined by their needs and individuals by their wants. Your emotional wants are especially important when establishing with whom you are compatible. While answering the Relationship Questionnaire you established a pattern of basic, subconscious wants. This section of the report was produced by analyzing those patterns. Our wants change as we mature and obtain our life goals. You may find it valuable to revisit this section periodically to see how your wants have changed.

You may want:

* Activities involving contact with many people.

* Many and varied activities.

* Freedom from many controls and limitations of creativity.

* An outlet to vent your emotions frequently.

* Acceptance in a variety of groups.

* Partners who practice listening and participation.

* Popularity.

* An audience to perform to and entertain.

* Recognition of skills and ability.

* Unusual, new or innovative activities.

* Support of your ideas and dreams.

well, no wonder they couldn't match me! evidently i'm a 12 year old child! "i'm sorry but we are not currently matching those who are under the legal age of consent, or their equivalents."