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Thursday, July 28, 2005

fuck office space

i want to let all of you in on a little secret. i'm on the verge of a REVOLUTION. that's right kids, a damn rebellion.

i share this with you today, because i think you want to be part of this grand war. i think you are all suffering, quietly suffering, every damn day of the workweek.

oh, that's right. i'm talking about idle workplace discourse.

overweight office-lady #1: "hoo! it's a scortcher out there Betty!"

overweight office-lady #2: "you betchya, Karen! i'm heading to my daughter's after work to take a dip in her pool with the grandkids!"

overweight office-lady #1: "well, aren't you the lucky duck! send some cool thoughts my way!"

overweight office-lady #2: "i sure will!"

ladies, ladies, ladies.
there will be no sending of thoughts! telepathic communication only exists in the MOVIES. are you in a movie? NO! you're NOT IN A MOVIE. people do not speak LIKE MORONS in real life. there will be no more use of the terms "hoo-boy!" or "you betchya!" or "irregardless" or "as per" or "take care, now!"

there will be no more of this oblivious commenting either. like when you're riding to the deli to pick up the group's lunch order.

nerdy office-man #1: man! it's hot as balls in my car, huh?

balding office-man #2: you can say that again! (rolls window down)

nerdy office-man#1: (gives balding office-man #2 a sideways glance and turns up the A/C as he pulls out of parking lot)

balding office-man #2: the breeze is nice though! thank God for that!

nerdy office-man #1: yeah. well, i could put on the A/C if you want

balding office-man #2: nah! i love the fresh air.

nerdy office-man #1: (fuming silently, turns air vents directly at his face)

listen, driverman. you clearly have not heard of the REVOLUTION. this is how you handle the situation: "um, wanna roll up that window? i have the A/C on."

there. done.


tell your cube-neighbor to stop farting.
tell the lady in accounting that she needs to stop fucking up your paycheck. her job is specifically to not fuck up your paycheck. remind her of that.
when the random what-does-that-guy-do-here-anyway dude strolls by to remind you that it's almost friday, tell him that you already have a calendar that you're capable of reading. tell him to stop being annoying, already before someone reports him for being a trespasser.

let's not pussyfoot around this, mmkay? there is no need for such behavior. you do not need to comply with moronic exchanges. inform your boss that being productive requires you to as little interaction with idiots as possible. then tell him, on that note, that you need to get back to work. do not say "pronto."

you have now joined the REVOLUTION.

(if you forward this VIA EMAIL to your friend, who works down the aisle from you, i will officially kick you out of the REVOLUTION.)


At 7/28/2005 04:39:00 PM, Anonymous Daniel said...

This had me laughing out loud! I've always hated the bullshit smalltalk around the office. It's fake, we all know it's fake and we think we're being polite. Maybe if we were honest we wouldn't want to kill each other while we compliment someone on their new outfit/haircut/car/lawn ornament.

At 7/28/2005 07:43:00 PM, Blogger Dennis said...

I like to think of my workplace much like a high school. It's broken up into the nerds, the cool kids, and the freaks. I would put myself in the latter.

Boss #1: Hey, don't worry about fucking up Laguna Beach, yesterday.
Me: Oh, don't worry, I won't.
Boss #1: Show a little remorse, huh?
Me: I'm not gonna let this place stress me out no more.

It's television for godsakes, god forbid if someone's name didn't appear in the credits long enough.

Yeah, I don't like that silly office chitchat, and I don't like hearing the same fucking stories over and over again. What I do, when I see one of my co-workers getting their ear chewed off, and they don't look comfortable, I try to think of a random thing I found out that day.

Peer: I remember this time when I was in Germany...
(Kate seems unimpressed)
Me: Hey, what would you do if some guy named Dr. Teeth asked for you autography. And do you think Dr. Teeth is a dentist.

It's shit like that that makes my day go by.

Also, I like to dream about the Pirate ship that I put into the suggestion box at work. The Pirate ship would be like a huge adult water fun park with a bar underneath. I certainly think that most people would enjoy one of those.

D' ride is here. I will finish this thought!

At 7/29/2005 05:41:00 PM, Anonymous Smoove D said...

Ha! This pretty much describes the conversations around my workplace.


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