fuck office space

i want to let all of you in on a little secret. i'm on the verge of a REVOLUTION. that's right kids, a damn rebellion.

i share this with you today, because i think you want to be part of this grand war. i think you are all suffering, quietly suffering, every damn day of the workweek.

oh, that's right. i'm talking about idle workplace discourse.

overweight office-lady #1: "hoo! it's a scortcher out there Betty!"

overweight office-lady #2: "you betchya, Karen! i'm heading to my daughter's after work to take a dip in her pool with the grandkids!"

overweight office-lady #1: "well, aren't you the lucky duck! send some cool thoughts my way!"

overweight office-lady #2: "i sure will!"

ladies, ladies, ladies.
there will be no sending of thoughts! telepathic communication only exists in the MOVIES. are you in a movie? NO! you're NOT IN A MOVIE. people do not speak LIKE MORONS in real life. there will be no more use of the terms "hoo-boy!" or "you betchya!" or "irregardless" or "as per" or "take care, now!"

there will be no more of this oblivious commenting either. like when you're riding to the deli to pick up the group's lunch order.

nerdy office-man #1: man! it's hot as balls in my car, huh?

balding office-man #2: you can say that again! (rolls window down)

nerdy office-man#1: (gives balding office-man #2 a sideways glance and turns up the A/C as he pulls out of parking lot)

balding office-man #2: the breeze is nice though! thank God for that!

nerdy office-man #1: yeah. well, i could put on the A/C if you want

balding office-man #2: nah! i love the fresh air.

nerdy office-man #1: (fuming silently, turns air vents directly at his face)

listen, driverman. you clearly have not heard of the REVOLUTION. this is how you handle the situation: "um, jackass...you wanna roll up that window? i have the A/C on."

there. done.

JOIN THE REVOLUTION.

tell your cube-neighbor to stop farting.
tell the lady in accounting that she needs to stop fucking up your paycheck. her job is specifically to not fuck up your paycheck. remind her of that.
when the random what-does-that-guy-do-here-anyway dude strolls by to remind you that it's almost friday, tell him that you already have a calendar that you're capable of reading. tell him to stop being annoying, already before someone reports him for being a trespasser.

let's not pussyfoot around this, mmkay? there is no need for such behavior. you do not need to comply with moronic exchanges. inform your boss that being productive requires you to as little interaction with idiots as possible. then tell him, on that note, that you need to get back to work. do not say "pronto."

you have now joined the REVOLUTION.

(if you forward this VIA EMAIL to your friend, who works down the aisle from you, i will officially kick you out of the REVOLUTION.)