et tu, scallywag?

last night was a really groundbreaking evening for me. i decided upon two things that will certainly change the direction in which my life is heading.

1. i no longer want to be a teacher
2. i'm going to bring back the term "scallywag" (or "scallawag"...whichever spelling you prefer)

you see, teaching is just kind of boring. plus, i learned that there are rumors that i'm a bad one circulating around my workplace. and, though i have tenure, i realized that i am, in fact, a lame teacher. because it's getting boring.

here's where you come in. if you would like to hire me, or even drop my name at the next meeting (making it a bullet on the agenda would score you some serious brownie points. and i don't pay in brownies, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN), i would be really thrilled. i'm thinking something that pays me better than you, preferably, and that will emerse me in beautiful, single men (you know, those ones that understand that being a size 10 does not make you a plus-size model, you asshole). oh, and it should be something in the writing field. with music. good music. and few to no emo-hipster doofuses. i'm willing to move anywhere in the nation. except Alaska. oh, and Maryland. nobody deserves to live in Maryland.

i mean, i could find this job myself, but i'm a very busy woman. i have smokers to save and floating bars to mutiny in an effort to sail to Gallway.

as for the scallywagging, i want to make insults fun again. as i was leaving my floating bar, i engaged in a verbal confrontation with a man who was wearing a hands-free cell phone adaptor. and this man was not driving. he was not even near a vehicle. clearly, this man needed to be informed of his ridiculous existence, but i had no tools with which to work. had i thought of scallywag at that moment, both he and myself would have had a much more enjoyable evening.

there isn't an expert on the planet that would refute that logic, my friends. not a single one.