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Thursday, January 20, 2005

the mess i'm in

Can you hear them?
The helicopters
I'm in New York
No need for words now
We sit in silence
You look me in the eye directly
You met me
I think it's Wednesday, the evening
The mess we're in and

The city sun set over me

Night and day
I dream of making love to you now, baby
Love making on screen
Impossible dream
And I have seen the sun rise over the river
The freeway reminded of
This mess we're in and

The city sun set over me

What were you wanting?
I just wanna say don't ever change now baby
And thank you, I don't think we will meet again
And you must leave now
Before the sun rises
Above skyscrapers
Sin and

What was it you wanted?
I just wanna say don't ever change
And thank you, I don't think we will meet again
And we must leave now
Before the sun rises over the skyscrapers
And the city landscape comes into being
Sweat on my skin, oh
This mess we're in and

The city sun set over me

i'm not a fan of anticipation. if something is going to happen, it should either catch me completely off guard or be entirely exposed from the beginning.

in a relationship, this annoying (i prefer cute) quirk can be accomodated. with life, it's a bit more of a challenge.

today, i went to work not expecting anything spectacular. i had to work with this guy that i typically don't mesh well with. (really, he's quite irritating and simply does not understand the concept of shutting the fuck up. i have a hard time not making faces to match those of our pained students. he hates me equally. i passive-aggressively put the proverbial wrench in his wheel of color-coded, synchronized plans for the education of his challenged students as often as possible without being blatantly rude.) surprisingly, today's lesson went very well.

then, a bunch of shit happened. to explain it all would be tedious for me to type, frustrating to type well, and both of those for you to read. so instead i'll only say that i realized that many of the men i work with are exactly that: men. it resulted in the kind of crying that makes your mascara run. usually if i need to cry in public, it's that sufficiently stifled kind of cry with maybe one or two lonely tears breaking free. thankfully none of the students saw, nor did any of my coworkers. well, except for my friend. poor thing. it's just so uncomfortable for all parties when someone cries at work.

all this with my realization that i actually do enjoy my job. in the midst of the shit fan, a student came in and asked me for some help with this paper. he gave me a quote: Man is the only animal for whom his existence is a problem of which he has to solve

i helped him translate it. he fucking got it.

then another confided in me about his horrific home life. i couldn't do much, but i listened, and by the end we'd both smiled a few times.

yet another normally quiet child came to me with a cheerful greeting and produced a poem he'd written the night before. it was in all capital letters so the spell-check hadn't corrected his mistakes. and of course the poem was poorly written. but he showed me. that's enough.

i had a plan. that plan isn't quite working, but i'd like to see where it could have gone. i don't actually want to leave my job, but the thought of remaining is utterly terrifying. either i get the hinted surprise of what the next 10 or so years may bring or i see everything--every.damn.thing.

and sitting here thinking aloud will surely amount to no further insight. ha!

i'll just put it off instead of doing something poetic. in that realm i'd have started all this as a poem to begin with. that's relly what it deserves. where it fits. only there is it beautiful.


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