on Valentine's Day

i wonder, today, if love is actually frail or if it is we that have become unable to accurately locate it. my thoughts are leaning toward the latter. i fear my own inexperience and naivety when drawing conclusions about grander things, but i don't care at the moment: life is hard, but love shouldn't be.

i had an appointment with the gynecologist on Valentine's Day. on my way there, i noticed a box van parked at the corner gas station. then i saw the spraypainted signs on whitewashed plywood: flowers. the man was selling some type of tacky love-filled contraption that was about 3 feet tall, contained some variation of a stuffed primate, and was topped off with celophane wrapping and a white, pink, or red bow. and as i zoomed around the turn, there must have been at least 10 men eagerly seeking to possess one of these things. i laughed out loud in my vehicle and thought, see? that's not hard. that's tacky sweetness at its best. and what the hell is wrong with that?

on saturday, i was in the local mall and stopped at one of the chain jewelers to see about buying another mate to an expensive earring i'd lost some time ago. of course the place was mobbed but the sales reps were all working overtime; there were about three to each counter. so as i stood there, the woman happily producing new earrings at my slightest suggestion, i eyed the young man standing next to me, doing the same with his salesperson. he pointed on the glass, likely leaving a very greasy fingerprint, can i see those there on top?

these here?

yeah

as she pulled them from the display case, she read off the selling points of the diamond stud earrings and concluded her presentation with the price of over $4,000. the boy smirked along with the salesperson and said, "oh." he explained that his price range was probably closer to $200. it was so sweet--so incredibly sweet and innocent and endearing--that i grabbed my solitary stud from my saleslady and left the store.

i don't have a broken heart and i'm not jaded by a former lover. i am quite simply aware that i want love--i await it, patiently--more than anything. i find comfort in the cycle, knowing today's sorrow will certainly, without doubt or question, bring that vibrant excitement to melt my stomach soon enough. and only then, when my feeling is reached and sustained and i have given up more than i'd ever thought that i would have, will i know i have found it.