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Monday, August 01, 2005

i don't look like lisa loeb: my proof in 5 steps

i know i'm hot. let's just get that out of the way.

this post is in no way to be construed as an attempt to recieve praises and compliments from strangers. in fact, i hate compliments. unless they are coming from myself. (see first sentence.)

now, having established my hoTTT factor, i do have to carry around a specific burden throughout my everyday life. in fact, you just may be experiencing the same burden if you meet the following criteria:

1. you wear plastic-framed glasses.
2. you are a female.
3. you have brownish hair.

i would wager a large amount of money, drugs, or sexual favors that if you, in fact, satisfy those three prerequisites, you have likely encountered my grief.

"You know who you look like?! You look like LISA LOEB!"

now, this, in and of itself, does not have to be an insult. in fact, Lisa Loeb is quite striking (or so i've been told by several men). my problem does not lie with being compared to a somewhat attractive pop-folk-bubblegum singer/songwriter that will forever launch the lyrics youuuu saayyyy into my head at her very metion.

my problem is that i actually look nothing like this woman. don't believe me? please refer to diagram #1:


Diagram #1: Kristine

5pointsMe

please note the following marked points:
A. smile/mouth
B. nose
C. forehead
D. glasses
E. chin

Diagram #2: Lisa

5pointsLisa

again, note the same marked points:
A. smile/mouth
B. nose
C. forehead
D. glasses
E. chin

in the spirit of simplicity, we'll go in alphabetical order.

A--notice how my mouth curves slightly upward when smiling. now notice how lisa is more of a straight-smiler. we also have different teeth. apparently she was privileged enough to experience an orthodontist's office as a child.

B--again, lisa's nose is somehwhat wider than mine. in fact, mine is down-right beak-like in comparison! one would be clearly blind to suggest they are in any way similar! perposterous!

C--now, this section is difficult because lisa has bangs and i do not. however, i would wager that behind those wispy strands is the home of a much smaller forehead, unlike my expansive one.

D--THE GLASSES. now, this is where people tend to reassure me that i do, in fact, look like lisa loeb. "but you have the glasses!" well, my friend, as you can see here, our glasses are quite different. so, you're wrong. you have a poor visual memory and you should rely on other cognitive devices to recall important information.

E--this is probably the most subtle of our differences, but it does round off the inequity. lisa's chin is slightly more square, whereas mine is a bit more rounded. it's true! take a closer look! see?

so, there we have it. i actually don't look like lisa loeb. so please stop suggesting that i do. it's only making you appear very dumb.

in fact, according to a very scientific celebrity-look-alike computer software, i look more similar to the likes of Anna Kornikova, Amelia Vega, and Sophie Marceau

17 Comments:

At 8/01/2005 05:35:00 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Keep dreaming, Lisa.

 
At 8/01/2005 05:40:00 PM, Blogger justin said...

Don't worry. That analogia thing gave me Al Pacino. Consider me befuddled.

 
At 8/01/2005 06:13:00 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Face facts, Justin. You totally look like Mr. Hoo-Hah himself.

 
At 8/01/2005 06:45:00 PM, Blogger kristine said...

whatever Mr. Walken.

 
At 8/01/2005 08:02:00 PM, Blogger justin said...

I do. It's true.

 
At 8/01/2005 10:22:00 PM, Blogger Dennis said...

Having read you rant and rave about not being LB before, I think this one takes top prize. Scored!

 
At 8/02/2005 12:04:00 PM, Anonymous g said...

Funny thing--I have glasses, but have only been told once that I look like Lisa Loeb. Hmm...why's that? Not that I think either of us look like her!

 
At 8/02/2005 01:13:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

but you're not hot. or was that the joke?

 
At 8/02/2005 01:15:00 PM, Blogger kristine said...

well, mr./ms. i'm-too-wimpy-to-post-my-name, i actually am STUNNING. but thanks for taking the time to read and comment!

 
At 8/02/2005 02:10:00 PM, Anonymous Lana said...

all i have to say is ILK! nobody invited the hater to the party.

 
At 8/02/2005 04:57:00 PM, Anonymous meme said...

i love that website...but i so do not look like the love child of soleil moon frye and sarah jessica parker...do i?

 
At 8/02/2005 05:20:00 PM, Anonymous Neil said...

Let's hear it for the Four Eyes of America. Lasik surgery is for pussies!

 
At 8/02/2005 05:29:00 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

I must be a pussy, but Lasik is awesome.

 
At 8/02/2005 06:17:00 PM, Blogger Ron said...

please don't mention lasik and pussy in the same sentence

 
At 8/02/2005 07:32:00 PM, Anonymous ryan said...

nice five-point loebfactor study, but that site is hilariously dead wrong. I look like danny bonaduce...not adrien goddam brody, not even close.

funny software though. reminds me of that creeptastic budweiser site that animates mouths and eyes.

 
At 8/02/2005 09:19:00 PM, Blogger kristine said...

hahaha. yeah, i'm with ron.

and, ryan. i agree. definitely not an adrian brody. closer to brad pitt or matthew mcconaughey.

mine didn't tell me i look like ms. loeb. i look more like her than any of the three beauty queens it came up with.

and, meme. hmm...i don't know. i can *kinda* see that based on the one picture i saw. but i think that's a good thing. hoTTT.

 
At 8/02/2005 11:09:00 PM, Blogger Dennis said...

Yeah, yeah, we don't need haters around these parts. Besides, you ARE hot. I was told I look like Chevy Chase, Ryan Gosling, Stanley Tucci, Enrique Inglesias, Eric Palladino, and Jackie Chan. I have absolutely nothing to live for...hahaha.

 

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