take on me

i wonder about a lot of things. i have one of those goofy-curious minds, i guess.

when bad things happen to us, often we want, crave, need information. and i wonder about that-- as if this fresh understanding will actually help us overcome something that is barely understood by most scientists with like 12 PhDs. yeah, it becomes less abstract and, therefore, logically less frightening. but that's almost just as foolish as knowing nothing. i think maybe i'd rather be powerless and dumb to the overtaking of my wellness. that way, if/when i lose, i can't be held responsible. i don't want to be a noble soldier fighting the gallant battle. i want to be the person hiding in the ditch, humming, eyes closed, ears plugged with trembling fingers, pretending i'm elsewhere.

on the surface this seems blatently and irrefutably cowardly but at least it's not perpetuating a fallacy. knowledge is not greater than nature. science is not the ruler of chaos. cells are subject to invasion and our bodies are not forever ours to govern.

if there is a god, i don't think he's vast and great. i think he's very small, working and fumbling and playing around amongst the little things.