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Wednesday, August 03, 2005

lay off the sweets

chunky cookie

once again inspired, but this time by alex blagg over at blaggblogg. after reading his piss-your-pants post, come back over here so i can lead your laughter cool down with my additional thoughts on Starbucks.

the other day i was in the Barnes & Noble Starbuck's Cafe. i was sipping my small vanilla latte and eating my sugar shortbread cookie, my greasy fingers probably lubricating the pages of the magazine i certainly wouldn't be buying.

little did i know that, moments later, i would be pondering one of modern society's greatest mysteries.

while i was sitting in the corner, i peered up to spot a somewhat attractive boy placing his order at the counter. i quickly tried to slide my cookie out of sight, because we all know that such a quick move takes pounds off your figure--sometimes even moving the weight to your breasts.

i adjusted my glasses and kept a coy eye on his place in line. nice clothes. decent figure. stylish hair. no wretched birth defects visible. things were looking good.

but then Starbucks stepped in.

my boy was ordering his beverage along with a "Double Chocolate Chunk-N-Nut Cookie, please."


Starbucks, you bitchy little wench! how on EARTH is a man supposed to retain his dignity after ordering such an atrociously-named sweet? CHUNK? no wait, DOUBLE chunk? and did he just say he wants to eat a NUT?

no one can come out of that situation looking cool. i don't care who you are. this dude may as well have been wearing high heels and carrying a bag from Louis Vuitton.

seriously. think about it. Jonny Depp ordering a Gooey Fudgy Peanut Butter Bar? *shudder*
Jude Law ordering a Sticky Bun? ick.
how about Trent Reznor or Sid Vicious asking for the Triple Moist Mocha Layer Cake? even they would look like complete assclowns.

don't think so? well, now let's call it a Kremey Karamel Krispy Kookie.

yeah, that's what i thought.


At 8/03/2005 09:59:00 PM, Anonymous neil said...

Are you calling me a sissy because I love ladyfingers?

At 8/03/2005 10:03:00 PM, Blogger kristine said...

it's not your fault, neil. it's "the man's" idea of some kind of joke.

At 8/03/2005 11:35:00 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Umm, those things look fucking amazing. I don't care what I have to say to get them, I just plain want 'em.

At 8/04/2005 12:33:00 AM, Blogger Dennis said...

C is for cookie, that's good enough for me. Oh, cookie, cookie, cookie, starts with C. They're even taking Cookie Monsters sweets away. Please don't take away the boys delicious treats.

At 8/04/2005 04:50:00 PM, Anonymous meme said...

I know this is slightly off subject but your post reminded me.

When I met my ex he didn't speak very much english (Italian), and I used to call all men's underwear panties. One night he came home and had fire shooting out of his eyes. Apparently he got into a conversation with the boys about underwear and he declared that he wore panties.

At 8/07/2005 07:14:00 PM, Blogger Stoopidgirl said...

damn all you bloggers and your talk of food...I'm blogcrashing today damnit and all I'm finding is talk about yummy sweet goodness....mmmmm.... I need chocolate...damn yoooouuuuuu!!!!!

it was probably a good thing he ordered or you may not have found out his secret passions until it was too late.


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