lay off the sweets

once again inspired, but this time by alex blagg over at blaggblogg. after reading his piss-your-pants post, come back over here so i can lead your laughter cool down with my additional thoughts on Starbucks.

the other day i was in the Barnes & Noble Starbuck's Cafe. i was sipping my small vanilla latte and eating my sugar shortbread cookie, my greasy fingers probably lubricating the pages of the magazine i certainly wouldn't be buying.

little did i know that, moments later, i would be pondering one of modern society's greatest mysteries.

while i was sitting in the corner, i peered up to spot a somewhat attractive boy placing his order at the counter. i quickly tried to slide my cookie out of sight, because we all know that such a quick move takes pounds off your figure--sometimes even moving the weight to your breasts.

i adjusted my glasses and kept a coy eye on his place in line. nice clothes. decent figure. stylish hair. no wretched birth defects visible. things were looking good.

but then Starbucks stepped in.

my boy was ordering his beverage along with a "Double Chocolate Chunk-N-Nut Cookie, please."

sonofabitch!

Starbucks, you bitchy little wench! how on EARTH is a man supposed to retain his dignity after ordering such an atrociously-named sweet? CHUNK? no wait, DOUBLE chunk? and did he just say he wants to eat a NUT?

no one can come out of that situation looking cool. i don't care who you are. this dude may as well have been wearing high heels and carrying a bag from Louis Vuitton.

seriously. think about it. Jonny Depp ordering a Gooey Fudgy Peanut Butter Bar? *shudder*
Jude Law ordering a Sticky Bun? ick.
how about Trent Reznor or Sid Vicious asking for the Triple Moist Mocha Layer Cake? even they would look like complete assclowns.

don't think so? well, now let's call it a Kremey Karamel Krispy Kookie.


yeah, that's what i thought.