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Wednesday, February 23, 2005

enough, redux

up, then

there are times when i am so drunkenly full of bliss--feel it?--that nothing at all will penetrate my glowing fortress of happiness. and for a few hours, that's it; i'm just happy (well, maybe giddy is a better word). but then, i'll stop for a breath and it will hit me. i verbalized this to my friend at work today.

i have so much energy [he caught a glimpse of me skipping]!


i have no idea. i'm sure in a few hours i'll be dead-tired, though.


[a minor drop in my energy level as a negative idea flutters in through a crack in my fortress's ancient foundation]

that's the thing with you; it's always extremes! she smiled, absentmindedly

[laughter; she did not condescend] yeah, like my moods!

and the rest of the afternoon plateaued. i helped a student cry through her breakup with "this boy" that she likely will always remember as "that boy." i ran into some former students, familiar faces; caught a funny joke from someone who is typically unfunny...

on the drive home, nothing memorable happened. i'm sure i sang a bit to whatever song was on the radio. frowned momentarily about the upcoming snow. thought about him and how great the day had been.

at the gym there was more of the same. i ran a decent run and watched a middle-aged man, dressed entirely in black, make a fool of himself as he made his way around the gym, stopping at certain machines for a few minutes. at each station, he managed to put himself in some sort of ridiculously angled contortion that accentuated the fact that he was wearing spandex shorts. i couldn't help but wince twice. (why is anyone ever intimidated to join "the gym?" have you seen the people that go there?!)

i got home, dinner was fine. i didn't eat too much.

then i read an email. (lisa--you owe me $1; things are "back to normal" and then some).

and now, i'm feeling that caving. it's the sensation you get when you are speeding down the tracks on some ridiculously paced rollercoaster. yet, i'm sitting down.

i'm tired of the ups and downs. i'm annoyed with the unwanted pity. i'm angry with my weakness (i'm making up for it with sprints and salty sweat). i'm furious (actually, i'm not. i wish i was). i'm itchy in my own skin and sick of my inevitable resting place. i always end up here. things weren't always so predictable; i'm sure of it.

things have always been cyclical, though. it's the rhythm of the world's pulse. it's everywhere: nature, music, life, love, pain, poetry. i don't mind the beat. it can be soothing, sometimes envigorating. but somewhere i got off-tempo and am stuck awkwardly clapping at the wrong time. the lone girl in the massive stadium that desperately wants to know how to keep up with the band and all its lovely fans. i'm still smiling though.

i'm trying, here.


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