today

today:

i woke up late.
i cleaned up years of clutter.
i found my old school report cards, elementary school yearbooks, and pictures from abroad.
i smelled the papers that were damp with mildew.
i sneezed.
i downloaded wallpaper for my cellphone.
i went shopping.
i made plans.
i had my plans revoked.
i let myself get sad.
i learned my ex uncle has come out of the closet. and i felt the pressure of keeping it from my cousin who has yet to hear the news. i listened to my aunt describe her son's eventual condemnation of his father.
i thought of calling a boy i like, but rememberd my horoscope advised me to play "hard to get."
i used that as an excuse not to call.

i had a great talk with my mother. it was simple and human. she told me what she thinks about when she rides in cars. what she looks at when she's in a group of strangers. and what she listens for when i'm quiet.

i gave myself a pedicure.

(and now i'm here, seeing my day take form. it's full of small circles. and though i'm not sure if i can see through them, i know that the spaces between are dark and solid.)

i ate nothing healthy today.