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Sunday, July 17, 2005

my friend Kristen

i wasn't going to go out last night. i'd been abandoned for the second time this weekend, and was literally all dressed up with nowhere to go.

then i remmembered Kristen was back in town from LA.

fuck yes.

when i found her at the waterfront, she was already very drunk. we hugged, with a bit of leg-around-the-hip lesbianic action. that's just what you do when you see kristen. you spend the evening getting yourself into suggestive situations that typically would not surface on a night on the town.

for example:

1. kristen is hot and she was wearing one of those shirts that ties in the back, but has no back. you get the picture. as the night marched on, it was growing loose and she asked me to tie it while we were at the ghetto duck bar. now, the ghetto duck bar has a really small bathroom that is *always* 20 degrees warmer than the rest of the place. thinking i could just be slick, i attempted to untie her shirt so that i could re-knot it more snugly. my puny finger nails were no match for the taut fabric, so i resorted to biting at the knot, which naturally resulted in an instantaneous bar-boner for the boys in the crowd. kristen reached her arms backwards toward my bum and squeezed. the crowd went wild.

i did a shot by myself to catch up with her and apologized to the bartender that i'd likely harrassed during my wednesday night bender.

oh, and then i spotted a transvestite. he/she was there alone, it appeared, and was likely in danger of a beat-down if any kind of flirting was attempted. these kind of things just don't happend in the 'burgh. i really wanted to tell him/her about that gay bar on Broadway, but by the time i thought of it, he/she had either left or was tossed overboard. i did see another one several hours later, so i can only hope that they were working some sort of buddy system.

when i found kristen again, she was on the deck of the ghetto duck bar with three boys from Brooklyn who had sailed in and were spending the weekend in jolly fraternal merriment. we sat with them and chatted for a bit. well, kristen chatted, and the rest of us tried to get a word in edgewise.

oh, and kristen bit me.

yeah, she bit me exactly four times. i have two large bruised on either upper arm and an intensely sore neck. it almost feels as if my gland has been removed. and maybe a piece of my jawbone. naturally, i bit her back. simply because this is the kind of behavior that takes over when spending time with kristen.

i know you probably don't believe me, but if you want, i can set up a meeting and we can test it out. it's true. you'll go home buzzed, strangely aroused, and wondering if your insurance plan covers Ear, Nose & Throat specialists.


At 7/17/2005 06:45:00 PM, Blogger Paul said...

I don't know YOU and I don't know KRISTEN, but the fact that she bit you four times seems like a succes in my book!

Next time, go for broke!

At 7/17/2005 07:36:00 PM, Blogger kristine said...

i'm not sure if you're trying to insult me or not.

i didn't enjoy the biting. i'm icing my face presently.

At 7/17/2005 08:02:00 PM, Blogger Paul said...

Insult you? NO WAY.

Sorry about your face.

At 7/17/2005 08:07:00 PM, Blogger kristine said...

ok, good. right.
your site is very funny. and i'm going to watch your show tonight. so if you were really being mean-ish, i hope you feel very bad about it now.

At 7/18/2005 11:00:00 AM, Anonymous g said...

Ah yes, that sounds about right! And your lucky you just got bit; i once had a hickey on my neck from her. She pinned me down and i was too wee to fight back. It was real fun trying to explain to people "no, no i didn't get any action. it was just my best friend being wacky." Crazy times!!


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